Once I get comfortable in one place, I get really stagnant. I don't want to move, because it feels like moving a mountain. I can physically feel the weight on my heart. It creates a complicated situation. Knowing I need to make changes, but not wanting to do them. So then I find myself just sitting and worrying, rather than making moves or just BEING in the present moment.
In yoga, this is one of the forms of suffering called attachment - and boy do I feel that. I have always gotten so attached to EVERYTHING. In my head, it's like this: "My life will never be the same again if I lose (insert person, place, thing).
Think about it for yourself - what do you attach to? What is something that is outside of yourself that you feel the need to hold onto?
This past month I started feeling anxious again, and I am figuring out that it has alot to do with attachment. Life is so tough. You finally get comfortable doing one thing and then you have to change again. Last night I was sitting at the kitchen table feeling consumed in anxiety. I said to myself: "ohmygosh, you're going back to that place. Something is wrong, you won't be able to handle all this." Then I breathed and said to myself: "you're in a tough place right now. The exciting, dreamy part of this "year long experiment" is almost over. You're not "losing it", you're not going back down an anxious path, you're just at the point where you have to move from where you are into a new way of thinking/being."
Whatever I choose it will be my choice. Whatever I do is not permanent. Everything is temporary. The only thing I need is my breath. Wherever I go, there I am. Breathing into those feelings, repeating those mantras, gave me the space to calm down. It gave me the space to remember that life is ever-changing, and what I really need is only what is inside of me.
All the extra is just NOISE. The noise can get so loud in our heads, making us believe things that aren't true. Sending us down rabbit holes that lead nowhere. It reminds me of Alice in Wonderland. She goes all these places and meets all these people and it's about the journey not the destination. And in the end, she gets to decide how to proceed. "This is my dream and I'll decide which way to go from here."
xo,
Christina
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