It was 2 a.m. and I was sobbing in the guest room. There was a great disconnect between who I thought I was and who I actually was. The problem was, I was so attached to this idea of myself. I was so attached to EVERYTHING. My career, people, places, beliefs. Suddenly I was realizing I couldn't sustain. Suddenly I was realizing I was not fufilled. Feeling this tug of the old and the new, it shook my body.
After that night, I began to inspect the pieces of my life. What unfolded was a long journey filled with rocky roads and raging rivers. I dug into my feelings of attachment. I thought to myself....
I attach myself to my possessions. The more I possess the better. The more I possess, the better I am than someone else. More, more, more. When the day is over, do these possessions fulfill me? Who am I without those things?
I attach myself to my career. Everything goes into becoming the best. Every ounce of energy goes to my work. But I've slipped and lost my footing. Who am I without my career?
I attach myself to my physical apperance. Now I'm getting older, my body is changing. Who am I without my young self?
I practice yoga. I can't get into a pose that everyone can get into. Am I really a yogi if I can't get into this pose? Who am I?
I attach myself to a timeline of expected things (career, marriage, house, babies). I'm not hitting some of the marks of the timeline. In fact, I'm going backwards!! Who am I if I don't reach these things?
The answer to all of these things, in the end, is - I FILL MYSELF UP. Not my job, not my physical appearance, nothing else but ME. I must try not to lean on the outside influences, because what happens when they aren't there for me anymore?
It's been a long road since that night in the guest room. But I listened. I listened to my body. I listened to the pain. I struggled. I went backwards, then forwards, then sideways, then cha cha real smoothed, it's electric...boogie woogie woogie.
:::: growth is not linear ::::
Examine your attachments. Try not to live by them. Living by your attachments will only lead to suffering. I hope this gives you a good base as we begin our yama Aparigraha, non-attachment.
With Love,
Christina
