I'm having trouble focusing this morning. It's hard when there's so many things you can do but you have to organize yourself to do them. I have this great untold story inside of me and I'm trying to figure out how to tell it. I'm trying to figure out how I want this to go. How I want my life to go. It sounds exciting to be on the edge of life like this. Not having to care about anything and going where you want. But it doesn't feel so exciting to me right now. It feels scary and full of unknowns. Mostly, it feels lonely. When you have experienced a depth of sadness, it's hard to go back. Everything in life feels like you're hanging on it, just waiting for the sadness to return. Of course that's in my scary moments - but the way I bring myself back is always the same - it's yoga. Not the exercise yoga that everyone thinks about, but the whole picture of yoga. The identification of my thoughts. The breathing into the present moment. The understanding that suffering is a part of the human experience.
I feel so grateful in the way my yoga practice has recently opened up to me in this way. You'll definitely find this about your own practice - it will evolve as you continue along. I found yoga much the same way others find it, through exercise. Right now what my practice means to me is not about exercise at all. It's about finding peace with who I am, where I am. Does that mean I'm a better yogi than someone who does it for exercise? Of course not. One of the things this practice teaches us is to honor everyone wherever they are along the path. This new evolution of my practice (from exercise to mindfulness) has made a world of difference. It's like opening a door to find all these goodies behind it. A pleasant surprise.
As I have been struggling greatly lately with my future, I keep going to watch Thich Nhat Hahn videos. If you don't know him, he was a Buddhist monk that recently passed away. He puts an emphasis on teaching his ways to others. There are alot of videos on YouTube of people asking him things like "what do I do with my loneliness?" and other heart-wrenchingly difficult questions about life. His answer is always to go inside. You feel angry? Go inside. You are lonely? Go inside. You are sad? Go inside.
Can it really be that simple? Can it really be that difficult?
Here's where it is difficult for me - I keep thinking of what others need. Living a lifetime as a people-pleaser has made it hard to separate my own wants from others. And, being a free agent means the whole world is open to me, so it doesn't narrow my options down very much. Funny isn't it? How we hope for that free agent feeling our whole lives, but then when we're there it doesn't feel the way you thought it would.
Going inside, I try to separate what I want from what others want. Going inside, I find the present moment. Because living in the past is reliving the negative things - my sadness, loneliness, traumas. And living in the future is making my head buzz with an overwhelming amount of possibilities.
Going inside, I find the present moment. Going inside, I am home.
I am hoping that this stream-of-consciousness journal entry helps you come to your present moment. Always here with you in it - whether you're currently in the darkness of the mud or the beauty of the lotus.
With love,
Christina
